Woman wanting to marry carries tough secret

Dear Readers: To mark my final week writing this column, I’m re-running some memorable Q&As.

Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing – the thing he doesn’t know – is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused, or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

– Protected Secret

Dear Protected: First of all – I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing – to yourself – the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes – these things all define you.

And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.

This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.

Write down your thoughts.

Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.

I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard for me and so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories – joyful and heartbreaking – go along with you.

Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back.

You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.

(November 2019)

Dear Amy: We are planning a costume party at my workplace.

We all decided to dress up as people from an iconic TV show. However, two of my coworkers, who are light skinned, are going over the top to change their skin tone to match the darker-toned cast members of the show.

I personally do not feel comfortable with this. I think it is not only insulting, but very unprofessional.

I’m not sure how to get that across without being rude. My attempts at reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears. In their minds, it is clearly innocent and meant as a joke.

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I personally do not see it as a joke, and I don’t want to be involved in a group photo with two people doing something I don’t agree with. What can I do?

– Insulted

Dear Insulted: Artificially changing the color of your skin in order to assume another person’s race as part of a costume is demeaning and racist – no matter who does it.

Iconic TV characters likely have many characteristics aside from the actor’s skin tone that your co-workers could use as part of their impersonation.

Given this rude, ill-considered, potentially career-ending behavior on the part of your co-workers, why are you worried about being rude?

You should say, “I get that you think this is lighthearted and funny, but I’m not comfortable with it. I think this is racist, and not cool or funny at all.”

Do not, under any circumstances, appear in a photo with these “jokers.”

(October 2019)

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can send your questions to him at Eric@askingeric.com.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.